


i am dissonance waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune

by silpium



Series: inktober 2019 [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Magical Realism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 18:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21396334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silpium/pseuds/silpium
Summary: If there’s one exception, there are more coming. And Hinata is terrified of letting what he has slip through his fingers, returning to the self he was in elementary school. It makes Hinata grip what he has all the tighter in his hands, but begs the question: for almost as long as he can remember, he’s been surrounded by people, endlessly liked—but why?Is it all because of the wish he made? And if it is, does anyone really like him at all?Hinata buries the question deep within him.It grows anyway.Or: as a child, Hinata wishes for nothing else but to be liked, and his wish is heard. But Kageyama is always the exception.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: inktober 2019 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1507019
Comments: 4
Kudos: 118





	i am dissonance waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune

**Author's Note:**

> for inktober day #7, "enchanted."

When he’s young, Hinata watches life go merrily on by without him. Everyone else finds their place and slots right in with somebody to rely on, even if just one person.

Hinata is fundamentally different from everyone else, tangibly separate from the rest of the world; but he wants nothing more than to be a part of that world, where everyone is so jubilant and has a place to belong, where there are things like _friends_.

Every New Year’s, Hinata’s mother takes him to the shrine. The place is bustling and full of life in a way that Hinata envies. Every New Year’s, he hears the coin clink and clatter into the box and prays with all his heart for the same thing.

Nothing changes. 

This year, though, the omikuji Hinata receives details a _great blessing_ regarding his wishes. Hinata can’t help but hope.

/ * \

The elementary school Hinata goes to is tiny—everyone knows everyone. Hinata barely interacts with anyone, eats lunch somewhere in the hallways rather than trying to find someplace empty in the cafeteria, and goes home right after school despite all the pressure from teachers to join a club.

But when he walks through the school gates after winter vacation, more than a few curious eyes turn to look at him. Then each and every one of them waves at him, smiles on their faces like they’re best friends and haven’t seen one another in months. Hinata stops right in his tracks, unsure of how to react or what to make of this situation—he may have been out of the social sphere, had some incidents of bullying and exclusion, but nobody’s ever been this cruel, this public with it.

Then one of the students runs up to him from behind and slaps him on the back affectionately. Hinata flinches. “Shouyou! How was your vacation? I saw you at the shrine the other day—you took your fortune with you, huh? You’re so lucky! I got a curse again this year.”

That’s when it clicks: _it worked_. A mix of disbelief and joy seizes Hinata. It’s not that he had strong feelings about praying at the shrine, mostly doing it for his mother’s sake. But there’s no other explanation. Before he realizes it, he’s replying in kind and walking in stride with the other student. “I know, right? You always get curses from those things!”

A few more students join them as they keep walking. They enter the conversation easily, keep Hinata included even as he struggles to keep up. Talking to them is easier than it ever seemed before, uncannily so.

It gets easier and easier as time goes on, as though the reclusive side of Hinata never even existed. He’s constantly surrounded by people, by _friends_, and the loneliness of before is a dream he can only recall the wisps of.

For the first time, Hinata is really, truly happy.

/ * \

When Hinata falls in love with volleyball, he falls hard and he falls fast; accordingly, so does everyone else. He has no trouble recruiting people to form a club at his new middle school, enough to form a team, two teams, even. Being able to share his passion so wholly makes his heart teem with joy, but it soon becomes clear that they don’t care about volleyball so much as they care about Hinata.

If Hinata isn’t constantly the centerpiece of practice or stuck at home babysitting Natsu, people get distracted or don’t show up at all. It’s all about Hinata, Hinata, Hinata. 

There are few people who genuinely care about volleyball there alongside Hinata, and they’re who the coach assigns to the starting roster for the tournament in their first year. They’ve been practicing with everything they have. Given all the heart they’ve put in—how can they lose?

They’re still all fledglings during their first year and barely make it past the first few rounds against other lackluster teams—but it doesn’t deter Hinata at all. He can feel the day-by-day improvement in every part of his body, in the bonds their team is forming. There’s more than enough room to grow.

And grow he does, until he can stand on his own two feet as a player in his own right. By the end of middle school, he is nothing like the wobbling, helpless player who could barely receive in his first year. It’s the same for everyone else on his team: they’ve pushed themselves for this of their own accord, and improved by leaps and bounds. Their passion is unmistakable.

That’s what gets him so mad when he overhears the Kitagawa Daiichi benchwarmers making fun of the rest of his team when he goes to get water. _Half of them look like scared little first-years! The only one who looks like he knows shit is the redhead—you remember seeing him play last year?_

Hinata calls them out, not that he does it well. While they listen to him, it’s when Kageyama reprimands them that they actually shape up and look scared.

Hinata chimes in with an agreement, trying to save face. He’s heard a lot about Kageyama, about how good he is, but has never played against him personally or even met him. Hinata wants to make a good impression, especially with how cool the nickname _King of the Court_ sounds. He’s heard rumors that it’s negative, but that can’t be true.

Kageyama turns his attention to Hinata, glaring—nobody’s looked at Hinata like that in years. “Why are you even _here_? Yukigaoka hasn’t even made it past the first few brackets since it’s become an official team. Are you just looking to have some fun memories of your last year?”

His scorn makes Hinata’s blood run cold. He’s held everything he’s wanted close to his chest, and to have it shatter and scar him like this is as terrifying as it is infuriating. 

“We’re here to win,” he says, slow and purposeful. “Maybe we haven’t done well the past few years, but we’re improving. We put everything we have into this. And as long as we keep trying—”

“Stubbornness isn’t enough to make up for a lack of skill and talent.” 

Hinata releases a shuddering breath. “But you can’t make it anywhere without hope or passion.”

“Is hope going to bring you through the first match? Is passion going to bring you through the second match?” Kageyama demands, voice increasingly getting more threatening. “Of course they aren’t. Only the strongest are going to stand on the court at the end.”

Hinata bristles, but can’t think of any words despite the fury hot on his tongue. Kageyama levels his gaze at him, then leers in triumph when no answer comes. He turns on his heel and walks away.

/ * \

They lose.

They don’t even win a set.

Still, they give Kitagawa Daiichi a run for their money. Hinata couldn’t be prouder. He leads his team out to the bus afterwards, some of the third years—including him—holding back tears. It’s their last year, after all. Never making it to the top hurts, even knowing their relative inexperience.

“Well, they’re expected to win Nationals,” one of them pipes up. “We played the best we could.”

There are hums and nods of assent, but Hinata doesn’t respond as he catches Kageyama walking to his team’s bus out of the corner of his eye. His throat burns with the urge to say something, anything, and he finds himself bounding down the steps without intending to. “Maybe it’s true that only the strongest stay on the court in the end. But I’ll become stronger than you, and someday—someday, I’ll overthrow you, and stand on the court longer than anyone.”

Kageyama sizes him up for a moment, then says: “I’ll be looking forward to seeing that, then.”

/ * \

Throughout the months, Kageyama flickers in and out of Hinata’s thoughts. Hinata hasn’t met another person who disliked him, much less to the visceral level Kageyama displayed—his wish hasn’t faded.

If there’s one exception, there are more coming. And Hinata is terrified of letting what he has slip through his fingers, returning to the self he was in elementary school. It makes Hinata grip what he has all the tighter in his hands, but begs the question: for almost as long as he can remember, he’s been surrounded by people, endlessly liked—but why? 

Is it all because of the wish he made? And if it is, does anyone really like him at all?

Hinata buries the question deep within him.

It grows anyway.

/ * \

There’s no question that Hinata is going to attend Karasuno—he doesn’t doubt it for a second, not until he walks through the gym doors and sees Kageyama Tobio, of all people, standing there.

What’s weird, though, is that Kageyama is not as much of a jerk as he was in middle school. Oh, he’s still got the glare and the thorny exterior, but he doesn’t make a single rude comment about Hinata’s skills or lack thereof—no, the worst thing he says is, “You’re that stupid short kid who didn’t belong on Yukigaoka,” rather than any easy-to-make insult.

But even that has Hinata bristling. “That didn’t _belong_ on Yukigaoka? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You were so much better than the rest of them. Your innate speed, your stamina, your reflexes—you wasted it all at Yukigaoka. If you’d just—”

“I _wasted_ it? You’re telling me all those three years I spent there were useless?”

“Yes.”

“You—” Hinata’s hands tremble. “You have no right to say that everything I did, everything my teammates did, was useless.”

Kageyama meets his glare with a frown. Then the upperclassmen walk in, chattering amongst themselves before the conversation dies off at the palpable tension in the room. One of them, apparently the captain, looks at their club application forms, then back at them. “Kageyama… and Hinata? Oh, I remember your games from last year. I know you two were on opposite sides of the court then, but you have to put everything aside now—”

“There’s no way,” Hinata says. “There’s no way I’m working with someone who can’t even—”

“Teamwork is essential to any club sport. You two are going to have to work out your differences somehow before I can allow you to participate.” The captain levels his gaze at Kageyama, then at Hinata. “Do I make myself clear?”

Hinata grits his teeth. If it’s between volleyball and working with Kageyama—no matter how much he hates it, the choice is obvious.

They answer in unison: “I understand.”

/ * \

Sawamura is not one to be taken lightly. As club starts up and the tension between Kageyama and Hinata only increases until it hits a fever pitch, the two of them barely able to pull off a practice drill together, much less cooperate in practice matches. Sawamura pulls them aside after practice as everyone’s leaving.

“This is obviously not working. The two of you have got to work out your differences—I don’t care how or how long it takes. We can’t function like this.”

The two of them refuse to look at each other as Sawamura locks the gym up for the night. For all of Kageyama’s begging and pleading, Sawamura didn’t budge an inch.

Sawamura glances at them as he leaves, but says nothing. Hinata makes out a glint of disapproval in his eyes. 

“Look, you know I hate you,” Hinata starts. Kageyama snorts, as if to say _likewise_. “But you and I both care about volleyball more than we hate one another. So we’ve gotta come up with a plan to have Sawamura-san let us back in.”

Kageyama is silent for a moment. Then: “We’re gonna challenge them, two-on-two. If we play together, we have to look as if we like one another, right?” He shrugs. “You’re good enough that you won’t weigh me down.”

Hinata isn’t sure how to handle that kind of compliment. Since when does Kageyama say things that are actually nice?

“We can barely work together as it is, though!” he protests. “What if we challenge them and it ends up like we always are in practice?”

“That’s why…” Kageyama grits his teeth. “We have to practice together until we get used to one another, I guess.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Here, tomorrow, before morning practice. 5am. Don’t be late.”

“_You_ don’t be late.”

/ * \

Kageyama isn’t so bad when he’s not talking. Playing with him is fun—he’s got the technical and physical skills to make simple receive drills a challenge. He’s better than any setter Hinata worked with at Yukigaoka.

Hinata has to break the silence with the question that’s been gnawing at him for months. “Why do you dislike me so much?”

“Because you’re annoying,” Kageyama says, spiking the ball back to Hinata for him to receive. “And stupid. And way too loud and optimistic. It grates on my nerves.”

“There’s got to be more to it than that,” Hinata insists.

“Nah. What, do I need license to dislike you?”

“No,” Hinata hedges. “It’s just—I don’t know. It just feels weird, I guess.”

Hinata can’t help but appreciate that Kageyama doesn’t seem to care enough to ask why, that he just shrugs.

/ * \

As time goes on, Hinata realizes that Kageyama doesn’t care about much. He cares about volleyball, making sure he gets that one particular flavor of milk from the vending machine, and whether or not he has meat in his lunch. That’s about it.

It’s in opposition to how everyone else swarms him, asking him what he’s doing that night, how his day was, if he’s heard the new gossip about the English teacher. It’s nice to be paid attention to, but it comes with a bone-deep weariness.

Kageyama never pesters Hinata with endless questions and conversation until even he’s exhausted of it. Kageyama just meets Hinata in the usual place before and after school, and they practice. There’s no inane chatter.

It’s different. Hinata can’t get used to the way the silence crawls all over his skin.

He likes it.

/ * \

Eventually, they’re let back into the club. They win the two-on-two, and Sugawara claps Hinata on the back afterwards. “I’m glad you two took Daichi’s message to heart. You’re getting along great now! I knew you just needed a little push.”

Hinata smiles nervously and can’t help but glance at Kageyama. 

Kageyama’s wiping his face with a towel and has water at the ready. _We’re getting along now?_ Yeah, they are, aren’t they? 

Kageyama catches his gaze. “What are you looking at? You need to go do your stretches. You’ll get all sore, idiot.”

That’s exactly the difference, though. Kageyama is still rude and a jerk and everything in-between, but nowhere near as bad. Hinata’s joined him for lunch a few times and actually enjoyed himself, scattered conversation flowing easily between them.

Maybe Kageyama isn’t as bad as he thought.

/ * \

Throughout the games he and Kageyama play together, they sync and seem to understand one another down to their smallest quirks—as exaggerated as it sounds, he’s more connected to Kageyama than he’s ever been to another person. Like the two of them together could conquer anything. Nothing can stand in their way.

He says as much to Kageyama one day—that he feels invincible around him, like the two of them could get to the top of the world together.

Kageyama doesn’t even bat an eye. “Duh.”

/ * \

“I don’t know why you’re so popular,” Kageyama grouses one day during lunch. “I can barely get to you half the time.”

“What can I say?” Hinata beams. “I’m the apple of everyone’s eye.”

Kageyama rolls his eyes. “It’s weird as hell. Everyone’s, like, drawn to you, even the people who’ve barely talked to you once.”

Hinata’s smile slips from his face for a second. “Yeah, well, you disliked me at first, didn’t you?”

“Still do,” Kageyama says, tongue-in-cheek. He fights back a smile in response to Hinata’s laughter.

/ * \

That night, Hinata has a dream. In it, Kageyama likes him. Not like _that_—the same way everyone else likes him, with fake smiles and laughs and touches on the shoulder. It’s so unlike Kageyama that Hinata is nauseated to the pit of his stomach when he wakes up.

It begs the question: if that’s out of character for Kageyama, is it out of character for everyone else, too? 

Hinata lies in bed, stares at the ceiling, breaths coming quick and shallow.

He doesn’t want to be alone.

But maybe he’s as good as alone already, and has always been.

/ * \

Kageyama barely meets Hinata’s gaze and barely talks to him the next day. For the life of him, Hinata can’t figure out what’s wrong. It’s making his stomach churn.

Kageyama texts him right before afternoon practice. _I need to talk to you. Meet me in the park after practice._

Hinata can’t focus during practice at all, to the point where Ukai pulls him out of practice and has him sit on the bench until he can “figure out whatever it is that’s going on.” Kageyama keeps glancing over at Hinata worriedly.

Hinata is at the park as soon as practice lets out. He stands by the tree, rocking back and forth on his heels, hands clenched behind his back. Some amount of time later, too long for Hinata to be comfortable with, Kageyama arrives. He stops just a few feet in front of Hinata, and Hinata’s eyes flick between Kageyama’s face to the distance between them.

“Look,” Kageyama starts, hesitant in a way Hinata’s never heard him before. Hinata’s watching the way the wind sifts through the grass and how the lone flower’s petals flutter in the wind. 

“This is—embarrassing. Don’t let any of it go to your head. So—” Kageyama takes in a deep breath. “I—I like you, Hinata.” 

Hinata swears the wind stops in its tracks, that his heart stops beating. “You what?”

“Don’t make me say it again, idiot. I like you, okay? Like _that_. I know it’s—”

“No, no, no.” Hinata’s staring up at Kageyama, shaking his head. “No, you can’t. You can’t like me.”

“What?”

“You—” Hinata’s hands are trembling, legs barely holding him up. He slowly sits, pulling his knees up to his chest. “You can’t. You just can’t. You don’t like me for me, okay?”

Kageyama kneels down in front of him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about or where you’re getting this from, but of course I like you for you, idiot. Who else would I—”

“I made a wish. When I was a kid. At the shrine. I was lonely, so lonely, and I asked them—to make me likable, to give me friends. And they did. Everyone’s liked me ever since, everyone—except you. And I—I’d never had a real friend until you, and now it’s started working on you, too, and I’m gonna—” He sucks in a gasping breath. “I’m gonna be alone again—”

“You’re even stupider than I thought.”

Hinata looks up through tears he didn’t even know he was shedding.

“Nobody’s gonna convince me to like someone I hate just because, not even some deity. I like you because you’re you.”

Hinata stays silent, wipes his tears away.

“C’mon. You can trust me on the court, but not on this?”

Hinata shakes his head.

“Exactly. So buck up and forget about this ‘wish’ bullshit. I’ll prove to you that I like you for more than that.”

/ * \

It takes days, weeks, months. Hinata isn’t quite ready to give up the illusion of being liked, the safeness of it. He isn’t quite ready to accept that he’s given up years upon years of his life on a childish hope.

Kageyama reminds him every time, in his own way, that he is there for him, that the team would never abandon him even without the wish, even if Hinata were to revert back to who he used to be. 

He’ll never learn to be okay with being alone if he doesn’t face the risk of it, though. He starts spending more time with himself, starts learning to care for himself, to not rely on others so much.

It’s a journey of a thousand steps—and slowly but surely, he starts.

/ * \

“Why do you think you were able to dislike me back then?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I guess my parents aren’t around that often, and it’s not like I had many friends before, either. So I never really got what the big deal was or wanted any of it.”

“Do you feel differently now?”

“…Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

/ * \

Hinata is fundamentally different from everyone else, tangibly separate from the rest of the world; but he wants nothing more than to be a part of that world, where nobody quite fits in perfectly, where loneliness is natural.

This New Year’s, Hinata’s mother takes him to the shrine. The place is bustling, full of life in a way that Hinata is used to. This New Year’s, Hinata hears the coin clink and clatter into the box and prays for something different with all his heart.

This year, the omikuji Hinata receives details a _great blessing_ regarding his wishes. 

Hinata is at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, thanks to [luci](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferTM/pseuds/luciferTM) for betaing this for me!
> 
> please feel free to comment, concrit or otherwise, or reach out to me on [twitter @hhatsunetsu](https://twitter.com/hhatsunetsu)! thanks so much for reading and have a great day!


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